The “Ground Zero Mosque” Non-Issue

Anyone who knows me knows I love to gripe about how the mainstream media, and cable news in particular, can twist and manipulate a story to fit into their personal ideals.  All of the big cable networks do it to some extent.  Blame it on the 24-hour news cycle or on each station’s politics but regardless, for someone who’s always appreciated good journalism, it sucks.  And once something becomes an issue on one station, the others tend to roll over and “report” it just to avoid looking like they don’t pay attention.  And then they all get in on it together to some extent.

The so-called “Ground Zero Mosque” is a great example.  When I first heard about it, it was getting praised by a lot of people in a lot of places.  It disappeared from my mind.  Fast forward a while and suddenly, it’s a huge disgrace, stomping on the memories of people who died on 9/11.

The Symbol-Minded

Today I got a pretty scathing email from someone who did not appreciate a Facebook comment I made about the stupidity of the modern media.  I had a very long laugh (you know who you are, so be aware that you actually brightened my day – I felt much smarter after reading your demented rantings).  He called me every name in the book, and I actually counted sixteen different labels that he threw at me for what he assumed I was.

Bad news Junior.  Not a single one of those labels describe me.  In fact, many don’t actually describe anybody in reality.

Hijinx’s Guide to Manipulating Mama

Greetings.  As my mama’s golden man, I feel like it’s my job to provide a thorough guide to how to manipulate your own mama.  My human doesn’t always realize I’m doing it, and that’s how it should be.  Properly following these rules will ensure more yummies and cans than you can imagine.

1.  The Art of the Meow.  Some of you might be content by simply saying, “Meow,” when you desire food or other nom noms.  This is incorrect.  A simple meow is cute.  Cute often inspires a head pat or a kiss, which, while enjoyable, is totally not what we want.  Now I admit to having an advantage in this category, being part Siamese, but you too can master the absolute aggravation that is the incessant Siam Mrar.

No one is entitled to special rights

I do not believe in using laws to grant any particular group of people “special rights.” I don’t care who they are. I am totally with the argument now that marriage is a special legal right, so I think it is imperative that we act immediately.

I propose that as of 8:00 am Central Time on Monday, all marriages in the United States that were legally solidified should be dissolved. Don’t worry, straight people, you can petition for your special right again, but it can not be through legal channels. You must satisfy these requirements:

1. Your marriage can only be valid within your particular church, in your town, in your state. If you have no church, you can not be together anymore. Sorry. Marriage is strictly a religious thing, right? I know that means you’ll miss out on any tax benefits, and you won’t have much in the way of inheritance and other such insignificant things, but you can live without those.  Who says you’re entitled to any part of your loved one’s estate anyway, you were only together 45 years.

My new disease diagnosis

I have officially been diagnosed with Generalized Antipathy Disorder, and there’s no cure.  Luckily there’s a pill I can take that my psychiatrist says will reverse all the symptoms.  Unfortunately, the side effects it lists are nervousness, nausea, dry mouth, sore throat, drowsiness, weakness, uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body, loss of appetite, weight loss, changes in sex drive or ability, excessive sweating, rash, hives, fever, joint pain, swelling of the face, throat, tongue, lips, eyes, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs, difficulty breathing or swallowing, fever, sweating, confusion, fast or irregular heartbeat, and severe muscle stiffness, seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist (hallucinating) and seizures.

That sounds pretty bad but I guess it’s a small price to pay to not have GAD anymore.

The biggest Brain of them all

I just wanted to send a shout out to one of the single greatest personalities that ever walked through the wrestling business, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. In the last few years he’s battled cancer, surgeries and rehabilitation, and recently he broke his hip and shoulder, forcing him to pull out of a convention appearance.

The Brain, or as we affectionately called him, “The Weasel,” was one of a handful of people I would credit with actually hooking me on wrestling. Heenan, Jim Ross, The Hart Foundation, The Four Horsemen, the Rock and Roll Express and The Midnight Express with Jim Cornette sucked me in, and Bobby’s commentary with Gorilla Monsoon in particular I still quote today.

[Gorilla talks about the hotline] Gorilla: “Kids, ask your parent’s permission before calling.” Brain: “And if they don’t give you permission, just take a baseball bat, sneak up behind them, and BAM!”

Those little (BIG) aggravations and how they dance away

Have you ever had one of those days when most of your pet peeves seem to get tripped at one time?  It happens, even to those insanely and suspiciously calm people like me.  What do you mean that’s funny?  I am so super chilled out you wouldn’t even believe it.  But even I have my limits.  (Stop laughing!)

Those days tend to remind me of other aggravations that tug at my sanity, so I thought I’d share a few, as well as the super great way I got to chill out again after a packed Friday, including one of those trips to Wal-Mart I’d rather forget.  Maybe I’ll make some of them funny (and pop myself).  Maybe not.  We’ll find out, won’t we?

Pet Peeve #6:  Toilet Paper Blind

I have officially reached….THAT age.

I blame the rapid growth of technology, though it may all be Paris Hilton’s fault.  I don’t why, but I just had a Kathy Griffin-esque urge to blame it on Paris.  Regardless of whether it’s the doing of that overly blond, overly tall “socialite” or not, I came to the conclusion today that I am officially….THAT age.

I have reached a weird go-between point (a first of many, I’m sure).  I can clearly remember times when I honestly thought I knew what I was talking about, but when I hear 18 year olds now say the same things I did then, I think they might be slightly retarded.  Not long ago, all the people I liked on television were older than me, something to aspire to (or fantasize about).  Now all my favorite wrestlers are in their early 20s…I’m in older sister and aunt territory!  And as for the fantasizing, now it just seems kind of dirty.  Like I might soon be tempted into entering cougar territory.  Yikes.

CBSNews can’t spell Ozzy – even with help!

This made me laugh out loud.  One particular writer (or possibly the headline and caption person) can’t spell Ozzy – even though he’s all over the internet, it takes two seconds to look him up, and it isn’t hard to figure out.  What makes it funnier is that his name is spelled right in the article AND there’s a picture of his album cover attached, but still he gets to be Ozzie in the headline and picture caption.  Sheesh.

Restoring The Balance

The theme of the 2011 Goddess Festival is “restoring the balance.” I was feeling extra inspired so I wrote a song about it. You can find it on my Home page, my music page or my ReverbNation profile. Enjoy! It’s very danceable, if that’s a word.