No one is entitled to special rights

I do not believe in using laws to grant any particular group of people “special rights.” I don’t care who they are. I am totally with the argument now that marriage is a special legal right, so I think it is imperative that we act immediately.

I propose that as of 8:00 am Central Time on Monday, all marriages in the United States that were legally solidified should be dissolved. Don’t worry, straight people, you can petition for your special right again, but it can not be through legal channels. You must satisfy these requirements:

1. Your marriage can only be valid within your particular church, in your town, in your state. If you have no church, you can not be together anymore. Sorry. Marriage is strictly a religious thing, right? I know that means you’ll miss out on any tax benefits, and you won’t have much in the way of inheritance and other such insignificant things, but you can live without those.  Who says you’re entitled to any part of your loved one’s estate anyway, you were only together 45 years.

2. If either one of you is not able to supply the world with children, I’m sorry, but you can’t be together. You’re not supposed to have sex without marriage, and marriage’s true purpose is in the rearing of children. So if you’re not interested in being parents, I’m sure 40-80 years of celibacy won’t be too bad.

3. Since there is no togetherness without marriage, and no marriage without church or child-bearing, it’s entirely possible you will fall in love anyway and that someday your loved one may end up in intensive care for some reason. Unfortunately, that might mean that you, having no relation at all, might never see that person alive again, depending on the hospital’s policies (or a nurse’s personal opinion). Sorry about that. These things happen. Luckily you have no kids, so you’re the only one to suffer endlessly because Jane didn’t belong to the same church or she was barren or something. So that’s one good thing at least.

If you can satisfy all the above requirements, then you can consider yourself married. Of course, your church will have to keep a record of it that never gets lost, because there will be nothing on file anywhere saying you are married.

But who really cares? Marriage is a special right, and no group should have any of those. So you’re cool. Celibate and frustrated. But cool.