Airport memories

I just finished taking care of preparing for my father’s birthday in July, and it reminded me of all the times I’ve bustled through airports. So I figured I’d write down a few thoughts and maybe even make a couple people laugh.

I should say first that when it comes to the airport, I’m old hat.  I’ve been there, done that, and because of that, I go planning on getting through the crap as quickly as humanly possible.  And I assume that the majority of the people there have done this before as well.

Which either means I’m wrong and the majority have never flown before or most airline travelers have memory banks running on almost empty.

Example one.  The metal detector.  Everyone who’s been in an airport in the last decade or so knows what a metal detector is.  But for some reason, it never occurs to them that “metal detectors” detect metal.  I don’t know what they think it’s there for, but they’re always shocked when it does its job.  So a helpful hint:  if you’ve got your keys, change, giant belt buckle, earrings, jewelry, 20 different rings and a nose stud on, you’re going to set off the metal detector.  That’s why they have the little bins.  Use them.

Example two, and related.  We all know by now that the shoes have to come off, and some of us remember the whole metal detection thing.  I, wanting to get through it as quickly as possible, at least have all my metal objects ready (often in a bag before I ever get to the airport or packed) and my laptop is either able to come out of the case in under three seconds or is already out by the time I get to the bins.  If I don’t have a big carryon, my shoes are also off before I get there.  Bam, into the bins they go and I’m on my way.

Except for Bob, who wore giant black boots, an enormous belt buckle and his stupid football ring.  It takes him almost five full minutes to get all this off and into the bin.  Meanwhile, only once have I had a screener allow me to cut in front of one of these guys.  You know what has to be done.  If you’re carrying too much crap to take your shoes off before you get to the bins, then wear shoes that don’t take an hour to get off.  Pack the damn boots.

Example three.  If you’ve never flown before, do the rest of us a favor and find out the process.  Don’t show up at the airport and spend fifteen minutes at the check-in station searching for your driver’s license.  Everyone has to show it, so have it out before you get to the desk and security.  And have your boarding pass out too.  There’s nothing more irritating than standing behind someone in a single file line for three minutes while they fish in three different bags for two things they should have had out already.

Example four:  Getting on the plane.  I know some people need to stash stuff in the overhead bins.  Fine.  But once you’ve done that, sit down.  Let the rest of us on for cryin’ out loud.  Don’t stand in the middle of the aisle typing that one last text message.  And don’t stand there looking past the ten people behind you trying to spot your loved ones.  They’re coming on the plane too.  They will find you in your seat.  That’s what the numbers are for!  They don’t need you to direct traffic.  And if they can’t read, just yell at them as they go by.

Example five:  Getting off the plane.  I’m all for thanking the attendants and the pilot if it’s a good flight.  But please don’t stand in the exit gabbing with them for several minutes.  You may get hurt by the horde of people standing behind you.

Example six:  Listen to the employees.  If the lady at the gate says groups A and B line up, and you’re in Group F…don’t line up!  The plane is going to leave when it leaves.  Trying to cut into a group you’re not even in isn’t going to get you to your destination city any faster.  Unless you walk into the plane, out the other side, and hitch a ride with Superman.

Example seven:  You know those moving walkways?  The ones that say stand on the left, walk on the right?  My theory on these is that they are primarily there so you can walk faster, and get to where you need to go more efficiently.  But even if you decide to stand there for no reason and watch the world go by, read the sign!  Get out of my way.  I’ve got Too Busy Disorder, I’m high on life and I’ve got places to go!

When it comes to the ridiculous announcements on the plane, I could never top George Carlin.  He was too spot on.  ”Please check your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board.”  George says, “What other kinds of belongings are there except personal?  Public belongings?  Do these people really think I’m traveling with a fountain I stole from the park?  ’…you might have brought on board.’  Well.  I might have brought my arrowhead collection.  I didn’t.  So I’m not going to look for it!”

When I got bumped up to first class after my unexpected Phoenix hospital stay, I was in hog heaven.  Right past the check-in lanes, right through security and onto the plane.  Awesome.  But since I can’t afford first class everywhere I go, please, if you’re in the airport with me, use a little common sense.  It would make the day of so many people so much better.