A while back I promised someone that I would write about why I often sign emails and letters with the salutation, “Peace, love and Eliza Dushku.” Since May 10th is not far away, I figured now was as good a time as any to make good on it.
Last year, May 10th was Mother’s Day. It was also the day my mom died of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. After two of the busiest months I can remember, I proceeded to spend the rest of 2009 completely losing my mind. And I don’t mean that as a joke.
Part of the reason for my almost complete detachment with reality was due to my fantastic ability to bury things (among other factors). I can bury things so deep they become completely invisible. The only problem is, they tend to then unbury themselves and beat me repeatedly with a pointed stick. And then I bury them, and then they scratch and claw their way back up and flog me with a wet tire iron.
This is the way I’ve always been, either because I didn’t want to burden others, or because I didn’t think they’d care (another recurring theme). A smart person might have gone to support meetings, or gone out in search of understanding people, or done one of any number of other intelligent things. That is so not my style. The fact that I was also having some serious trust issues at the time didn’t help.
When you desperately want someone to talk to, but you don’t know who you can trust anymore and you don’t want to dump on your friends more than you already have (no matter how moronic that is), you’re in trouble. Without really thinking about it, I needed someone to relate to, who could give me a few growing tips along the way.
Enter “The Dushku.”
A few months after my mom died, the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer went on sale. I’d never watched more than two episodes, but it was one of my adopted sister’s favorite shows, so I bought the whole set. Partly because it gave me something to do on weekends when I didn’t want to leave the house. For those of you familiar with the show, you know that in season three, Eliza Dushku showed up as Faith. And I was completely besotted.
I got Faith. I totally related. So much so, in fact, that I had to buy the entire Angel series so I could follow the whole arc. I needed the redemption Faith was looking for. She was a walking metaphor. She was too tough, damaged, couldn’t find her path, wanted her demons to kill her, beat them, and ended up on the right side in the end.
Once I finished the Buffy and Angel stories, I wanted to see what else I could find, so I picked up the Tru Calling series. Some of you are already nodding in understanding. One of the very first things you see on that show is Eliza Dushku’s character standing by her mother’s grave. She then spends the series trying to save people, all while trying to save herself from her own demons.
And then came Dollhouse, where Eliza’s character is literally forced to be other people, while she fights to be who she knows she needs to be.
I’m not saying that watching Eliza Dushku shows saved my life. In fact my lowest points came after I finished watching all of them, but her characters did end up inspiring some of the characters in the book I’ve been writing (which by itself has been extremely helpful). And the Dushku characters helped me out when it came time for me to find myself, my own personal power, and when I needed to learn how to keep others from exploiting negative power over me. I might not run around saying I’m five by five, but I’m definitely feeling that way a lot more now and my manic devouring of these particular television shows was a help.
Since about the middle of February, I’ve literally felt myself lightening up. There are no negative people left in my life. I just won’t allow it. So as the first anniversary of my mom’s death approaches, I can consider my life happily. I’ve learned to deal with things as they come. I’m having the life my mom wanted me to have. I’ve removed the people mom would have wanted me to avoid. I actually feel at home in my house. I don’t let bad things destroy what I’ve built up (as I think my Phoenix kidney stone adventure proves). And my second cousin has (unknowingly) a fantastic sense of timing, since his wedding will cause me to spend Mother’s Day with some of my favorite cousins in Texas.
So that’s why I sometimes sign my emails what that particular salutation. It seems an appropriate shout out, even if she has no clue about her accidental influence.
And since it’s a fitting aside, I thought I’d point out my new favorite theme song. For me, it’s not about a higher power (I’m too scientific for that). It’s more about appreciating my friends and finding my own internal power and grace. And it’s by a band called Full Blown Rose who, perfectly enough, also did the theme song to the Eliza Dushku series Tru Calling.
Enjoy the song. Enjoy life. Peace, love and Eliza Dushku.
