A weekend that highlights what I’ve learned
It’s Sunday night and I’m not really sure what I’m going to say yet about this weekend, so this may or may not turn into a rambling mess. I thought stream of consciousness would be more honest, so there you go.
A very quick back story: My mother was thrilled in 2009 when The Goddess Festival was born. Because of her health, she wasn’t able to attend nearly as much of it as she wanted. The fact that Vick Kelley was a part of it was a bonus to mom, because she always loved Vick, and Vick had been very helpful throughout mom’s illness and at many other times.
After the Festival ended, Mom told me she really hoped they did it again, bigger and better. She died in May, and I…well, I lost my mind. A whole lot of things went into the losing of my mind that I won’t get into because at this point they simply aren’t important (with time comes the realization that sometimes the most painful things end up not meaning a whole hell of a lot in the grand scheme of things). I was on this really wild roller coaster that a lot of people go through when they lose a parent…but no matter how many people have done it before, it’s always the first time for you.
During that time, a few very important things happened. One, a friend of mine had a major change in hours at work, so we could actually hang out sometimes (not an overrated thing, let me tell you). And two, Vick called up asking if I would help out on the website for the 2010 Goddess Festival.
Vick had popped up at a very opportune moment some time before. She helped get me out of the house, with the completely unknowing assistance of Big Bad Gina, and made me feel loved again. Sometimes, after you refocus, you realize that things others might consider very small, like the simple act of going to some shows, actually have major effects that take their time to become clear. But I digress.
I agreed to help with the website, but if you happen to know Vick, you know that she doesn’t exactly hold back when she wants something. So I might have started off walking around the pool, but I ended up swimming soon enough. With big Goddess Festival floaties and my laptop strap in my teeth.
This is another example of things others might find very small being very big. Without describing the complete sucktitude that was 2009, I’ll just say, as a sort of thank you, that when you’ve spent time wallowing in the very worst parts of your mind, the fact that someone is nice to you can be huge. Especially when you go through a period when you have no clue who to trust, you don’t know who cares, and you start to not care yourself. A group of people treating me like a human being had a big impact on me. A few of them in particular have really helped restore my confidence and desire to actually be around people. And for some of them, all they really had to do was smile and mean it. I’ll get to that.
So as this was starting to dawn on me, I wrote a song for Vick called “Goddesses and Angels.” She submitted it for the Goddess Festival CD. That was a pretty big confidence boost for me. I’ve always had a major problem with confidence. I don’t know where it started or why, but that’s the way it is. So I was all excited about the Festival starting because I knew there’d be fun and some meaningful moments.
And I proceeded to get sick as a dog. But this was a good thing, because even though I missed the first week or so, it meant I accidentally got something I’d wanted the entire time.
A couple days before the CD Release Party, I tried singing my song, and fell into giant fits of spasmodic coughing. It wasn’t pretty. So there would be no singing for me. Which was fine. I don’t mind being on a stage, but I’ve always said I like to write things for other people to sing. I’m like the chick from Coyote Ugly, except it’s not fear, it’s just that I want to be the writer and then watch. It’s simple. That’s the way I like things. So I went to the release party knowing the song was still going to be sung and fully expecting to just be a photographer for the night.
Three major things happened. The first happened before and after, when I ran into some more people who considered me to be a human being. Again, it might seem small, but it’s big to me because I didn’t feel human for a long time. The second was that my song won the vote to be the theme song of the festival. That wasn’t something I expected. In fact, as Vick was announcing the winner, she mentioned four songs came in second. Then she said, “even if I pulled out my votes, which I probably should have, this song would have won,” and I remember thinking, “well that’s strange. There’s only one song she has a personal stake in.” I can be very dense sometimes. The long and short of it is, I cried, Vick cried, I cried some more, some of the people in the audience cried and it was all very pitiful. Things like that just don’t happen to me (or didn’t), and I still don’t think I’ve fully processed it.
The third major happening was that right after that, Big Bad Gina performed the song. I don’t think they ever realized how bad I always wanted that to begin with (and I’m thanking my crappy lungs right now). Not only did they do it, but they did it even better than I could have ever imagined, and I hold them in extremely high regard as musicians already (not to mention as people). There are a few reasons why it had to be them and why it meant so much to me. For one thing, they’re the best musicians I know in the area (and in most others), but that’s minor when you consider that it was sort of a full circle thing for me. The very first thing I did when I started leaving the house was go to Big Bad Gina. I can be totally honest when I say their shows gave me some of the first really fun moments I had last year. So that they did it, and did it in a way that I like way more than my own version, was huge for me.
That was Friday night. Saturday I went to a laughing workshop run by someone I’ve come to know as a complete riot, and that night I hung out at the dance with my new friend Holli (who is as evil as I am…so watch out world), her ornery kid, and Vick and Sophia, two of my favorite people on the planet. And tonight I went to Al Lord’s Couples Game, which put the topper on the weekend by making me nearly laugh myself into a coma. That was big too, because Mom always loved Al’s game shows, and I knew if she’d been there, she’d have laughed herself silly.
So it was a roller coaster type of weekend, but none of it was bad. And because I want to make sure I get it out, and I’m typing right now, I’m just going to go for it.
One of the most important things I’ve learned in the last six months has been that we don’t know what our impact on the world is. We have no clue whatsoever, because I’m here to tell you that the most minor things can be the most helpful to another person. I know, because I’ve been the recipient of a lot. When you smile, what you don’t know is that the person you’re smiling at may have just had the worst year ever, and is in desperate need of some light. And with a smile, you might have just given it to them.
Having someone be interested in who you really are…imagine you’ve been desperately lonely and needing some connection to your mother but don’t know who really cares anymore. You go out in your mom’s community and find out there are actually a bunch of people who care and want to know you. Now imagine what that might feel like for you. It’s no small thing.
I’ve had a few people ask me to write a “things I’ve learned” column sometime, and maybe I will, but the most important thing I’ve learned is that the positive things in my life far outnumber the negative. I didn’t know that for a long time. But I have managed to separate myself now from the most negative aspects of my former life and am really enjoying having a relationship with my new life. Thanks to some old friends, some new friends, and some amazon warrior princesses.
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Thank you. I’m so very grateful that BBG was a part of your healing process. I’m sooooo glad that you liked the way we covered your song!! Someday we should have coffee or something, and I will tell you how BBG was a part of my healing process, too. =) I love you, Christy, and I feel immeasurably grateful to know you, Sister.