The Perfect Drug Commercial

We’ve all seen them.  Those commercials that claim Drug A will cure your every condition, and only cause a few minor side effects.  You know, like death. I’ve never seen a commercial that didn’t turn me off, so I decided to write one that might even attract my attention.  The scene is a lovely rolling stream, where a lovely young lady is standing and smiling her biggest smile.

It is important that the lady is always happy. She must enunciate every word with great joy.

Lady:  “I used to have minor ankle pains that caused me great aggravation.  I couldn’t walk long distances or even go to the grocery store!  But now, all of my ankle pain is gone thanks to AnkleFlex 5000!  AnkleFlex 5000 is a combination of pain relievers and anti-inflammatories guaranteed to erase all ankle pain after the first use!  Now, I have no ankle pain whatsoever with no side effects at all and all my dreams are coming true!  Besides the reduction of pain in your ankles, you will also experience these fantastic effects!  My lungs have folded in half, which makes me look 15 pounds lighter!  Without dieting!  There is a slow tumor growing in my head that has cut off my ability to feel sadness, without antidepressants!  And best of all, my liver is EATING itself!”

At this point balloons would fly into the air and fireworks would go off and the lady would giggle before turning back to the camera.

Lady:  “No other medicine will take away your ankle pain, make you happy and make it possible to be totally unaware that your liver is imploding!  It’s AnkleFlex! Get it today!”

Sure you’re still going to die, but at least you’ll feel good about it!